O Man how’d I screw this up???

Sexy CowboySo a week or so ago, I was reconsidering what I was doing with Dex and Alex, and I posted a change to the story flow.  I was surprised nobody commented on it…and now that I’ve changed skins for the site, suddenly I see why…it was posted as a NEW PAGE, not a NEW POST.  Ah shit!    Anyway, here is said post, better late than never…

 

Yesterday, after finishing the frenzy of action that was Dex in Katrina, I was able to look back on what I Had Wrought, and something occurred to me.  Namely, that I’d made a mistake.  A pretty big one, really.

See, the whole point of Dex and Rocky’s situation is that Dex is still repressed and conflicted sexually when he meets Rocky.  But, I just had Dex kissing Alex and swearing he was going to move to Athens to be with him.  So that kind of puts me in a box.  Once Dex has gone gay, or accepted his gayness, how do I put him back in the closet?

So.  I need to retool what I’ve written so far.  Yeah, still an emotionally tempestuous parting with Alex, but not Gay Love Triumphs.  So the question is, do I judiciously edit these blog posts, or do you all just accept that I Was Wrong and we can move on from here, as if that kiss never happened?  Part of me says, well fuck the Internet is Forever, so I might as well leave it.  But, should my well-deserved intergalactic fame and fortune descend on me any day now, and someone tries to catch up with the story, they’re gonna be weirded out when I suddenly change shit on them right here, right now.

So yeah.  I’ll fix it.  I’m okay with Dex admitting, accepting that he loves Alex.  But their declaration, their kiss, their plan?  That’s gotta go.

Here’s the old bit:

Suddenly he embraced Dex, startling him.  “I love you,” Alex said, his face buried in Dex’s chest.  “I’ll always love you.”

It wasn’t brotherly love, either, Dex knew immediately.  The admission, the affection, was so startling that it went right around his defenses.  He started crying, just…blubbering.

It was there, plain as day in Alex’s voice.  He, too, had hoped for that minute.  Had hoped it could make up for all this time.  All this lost time, all this lost love, for what?  In exchange for what?  A shit job and a shit life, forever and ever amen?

“I love you too.  I love you so much.”  He started to sob.  “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…”

Somehow Alex’s mother had made herself scarce.  It was only the two of them, on the front yard, holding each other tight.

“Come to Georgia.  Just…move there and be with me.  I’m in student housing, but you can get a job and an apartment and…”

“Yeah,” Dex nodded.  “Yeah, fuck it.  I’m gonna do it.”  He laughed, wildly.  “Fuck it!”

Alex laughed too, lifted his head, his own tears apparent.  “Fucking kiss me, you dumbass.”

He did.  He cradled Alex’s head in his big hands, and met his eyes, and didn’t close his own as he leaned in and finally, finally, finally touched someone he loved.

“Alex,” his mom said gently.  “We have to go.”

He nodded, pulled back, wiped his own tears away.  “I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah,” Dex agreed.  “You will.”

And here’s what I’ve done with it.

Suddenly he embraced Dex, startling him.  “I love you,” Alex said, his face buried in Dex’s chest.  “I’ll always love you.”

It wasn’t brotherly love, either, Dex knew immediately.  The admission, the affection, was so startling that it went right around his defenses.  He started crying, just…blubbering.

He wanted to say it too.  But he couldn’t.  Pastor Panko’s face was in his mind.  His friends, his family, his church, his co-workers.  Everyone, everything, said NO to what he wanted to say, to do, to run away with Alex, to just…not be who he was anymore.  For a single moment, it was just right, the idea that he would jettison all of them just to be with Alex.

“You’re my best friend,” was all he could manage to say in return.  “You’ll always be my best friend.”

He should have said it.  I love you, too.  But he couldn’t.  It was the right thing to do, right, to deny that love?  So then why did it feel like he’d just put a knife in his own guts?

“Alex,” his mom said gently.  “We have to go.”

He nodded, pulled back, wiped his own tears away.  “I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah,” Dex agreed.  “You will.”

Not, of course, what any of us want for the two of them.  But, painfully necessary for the rest of the plot.  I’ll do a better job on this in “post production,” I promise, but for first draft, it’s gotta do 🙂

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