I’m back! In…one piece?

Ryan1Omigod I love travel.  It’s the fucking traveling that sucks.  Where is the pneumatic tube that will just suck me across the country in an hour?  28 hours to get home from NYC between cancelled and delayed flights, a five airport odyssey.  I won’t bore you with the details.  Yeah.  Three days in NYC and three days to get there and back.  I’m going to be staying on the west coast for, oh, I don’t know…the next year, probably.

On the bright side, I really got some clarity about Ryan’s character development.  (This Cura model is the probable winner of the Ryan model contest.)  There’s such a difference between a “dom” and a “top,” isn’t there?  If you’re a bottom, a top may well give you what you want, e.g. that big dick inside you, because you share the same physical desire from different ends.  But a dom?  A truly dominant man’s primary function isn’t to gratify you sexually.  You may get some of that dick in your ass, at some point, and then again you may not.  And only if you’re a sub, not a bottom, will that satisfy you.  Being a bottom is a state of physical desire, the fire in your ass, but being a sub is all in your head.

It’s an interesting experience, an encounter with a man you can’t control, whom you can’t even ask to give you what you want.  When you’re a controlling individual yourself (and what writer isn’t, creating our own worlds – especially a self-published one responsible for the whole enchilada), it’s…strange, to find a man who can STOP YOU from controlling, from directing the action.  Who’s strong enough to do that.  Not by physical force, but purely from the force of his personality, his voice, his nature.  You may come out of that not physically satisfied, but with a respect and…maybe a little awe, that for a minute in your life you let a man take total control of your wheel.  Not subtly, not passive-aggressively, not in a backseat driving way that so many relationships seem to devolve into, but honestly, straightforward, hands on, “I’m taking the wheel.”

At the time maybe you’re so frustrated, sexually, that only later do you realize, damn, that dude really has his shit together.  And there’s a satisfaction in being with someone like that, in realizing, with a sense of relief, really, that there are men like that.  That not everyone’s a flake.

And the kind of guy who’s perfect for that job, that role, HAS TO have his shit together.  He couldn’t be on drugs, because then he wouldn’t be in control of himself, he might let the little details escape him.  He’d have to be fully present to be attuned to the degree to which he could push you, mentally, emotionally, physically.  Yes, you’re not in control, you’re not being physically satisfied, and yet…when a man’s entire focus is on you, aren’t you getting something rare?  For another human being to be so tuned into you, if only for an hour…maybe, at the bottom of it all, that’s what we really look for.

At any rate 🙂 So it turns out I’ve been on the right track with Ryan’s character, and now I really know where to take him next.

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