Werewolf relaunch tomorrow!

WerewolfGIMPOldTimeCasablancaYeah, I’m seeing that I’ve been in a low-grade depression for about a month now, since, umm, let’s see…OH! Yeah. Since Amazon gave me my two weeks’ notice/pink slip in mid-June. It did feel that way, you know? Like you’ve been abruptly laid off, along with thousands of others. Like that falling sensation when you get called in for the bad news, the rug pulled out from under you, the future a gaping black maw inside which you can only see the sharp teeth of unpaid bills. No matter how you feel about the justness or unjustness of the change, this two weeks’ notice thing was bullshit.

It was low-grade depression, not the paralytic kind. I kept writing, kept feeling around for new ways to make money, experimented with pulling the stepfuckers out of KU (a disaster, they’re back in), put myself out there for editing services, edited and repubbed some “Orland” books, started recording Bradiobooks…

But the rest of my life suffered. Andrew Solomon writes about depression, and he said “The opposite of depression is not happiness, but vitality.” What vitality I had, which was mostly me running on stress, went into these projects, and there was nothing left. I haven’t been reading much, preferring to binge on TV shows on Netflix and (yeah I know) Amazon Prime. I’d look at movie listings and go, bwehhh, maybe tomorrow, bwehhh…

Well, I’m feeling that go away now. Made myself get out to the movies this weekend (Minions and Ant Man), stopped staring at junk on the floor and just leaving it there, *forced* myself this weekend to turn the tablet OFF when I’m bingeing shows (Turn, really good, Banshee, dumb but fun) instead of compulsively checking my sales numbers, my SoundCloud stats, my WordPress views, waiting waiting waiting for the Miracle Day, the moment I’m discovered like Lana Turner at the counter at Schwab’s (which didn’t happen anyway), that sense of powerless you get when the only hope for the future seems to be your “rescue fantasy.”

But nothing lasts forever, as my mom always reminds me. Good or bad. My problem with Duke Daniel is solved in my head, so I’m ready to steam forward with that again. I have to accept that there’s always a point in my novels where I just STOP and need a week to reset, to think. As long as there’s this nagging financial anxiety, stopping even for a week feels wrong, like doom. But it’s a part of the creative process. I have to accept that I can’t write seven days a week, no matter how anxious I get about losing even one day’s income by having to publish one day later than I would if I just kept working working working…

I know having a new book out in August is going to make a big difference in my income. I know that Bradiobooks will fly, eventually. I haven’t made many sales, but I’m pretty sure that this whole “PayPal me some $ and I’ll email you a Bradiobook” thing is too halfass/sketchy for people who aren’t hardcore fans who know me well.

A typical response to the quality of “Sam’s Reluctant Submission” was, “You have an excellent voice for audio recordings. Over the years I’ve downloaded and/or purchased hundreds of audio books, and I know what a good audio book voice sounds like.” So yeah, I’m going to succeed at this. I’ve acquired the domain “Bradiobooks.com” and when I have “A Little Too Broken” recorded, I’ll be getting a Shopify.com store (I can use my domain name for it) – that way people can use their credit cards for an instant download, all legit and shit.

So today’s about getting the car detailed at last (it’s filthy inside, another of those things I’ve been staring at and going I need to do something about that bwehhhh…), getting lab work done, staying out of the maid’s way (I know, bitching about income and having a cleaning lady, but I despise house cleaning more than anything, swore I’d never do it again as soon as I could afford not to, and omg it feels so good to come home to find that the Keebler Elves have magically cleaned it for you).

Tomorrow it’s back to werewordin’, recording the first chapters of “A Little Too Broken,” getting “A Serious Person” ready for repub (another case of having to chop chop the rants and digressions and detours and opinions, god why did my editors let me go on like that…). Oh yeah, and enjoying my freedom, not just stressing on how long it might last.

5 Comments on Werewolf relaunch tomorrow!

  1. “If you build it they will come”, sorry man, but if you don’t write it, put it out there, we can’t buy it. So come on, let’s do this! (thank you Home Depot) 😉

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