Yeah so obviously I FREAKED OUT yesterday at the thought that my whole novel was going to have to go in the dustbin of history. Now there are lots of credible people coming forward with legitimate doubts and evidence that “Satoshi” isn’t really Craig Wright, eccentric Australian.
So, my book may still live, as is… But I need to put it aside for a while and see how all this shakes out. And honestly? I should be putting it aside anyway, right now, regardless of events.
Fuck, I hate this time of year. Makes me crazy, literally, with the Seasonal Affective and the short dark days. I’ve learned the hard way that I shouldn’t expect so much of myself, especially creatively, this time of year, but I keep trying to unlearn that. Two years ago, I wrote The Worst Best Luck in the winter, not bad but certainly not my best effort.
And I realized afterward that I should not try and deal with intense emotional content in the winter – it’s just too much on me. Keeping my own feelings stable is hard enough, without creating tumultuous emotions for fictional characters on top of it, especially when they draw (as good fiction has to) on my own emotional wreckage and experiences.
Last winter, I wised up and wrote my Adam Vance story instead, pure cerebral action-adventure science fiction. I took time off from Have a Little Faith in Me, I put it on the shelf, telling y’all I’d get back to it after my “emotional winter break.” Then, my beloved stepfuckers (hot sexin’ is much easier to write than dark feelin’) made me temporarily rich in February – which level of enormous success and prosperity of course officially cancelled the rest of the “winter in my mind” and let me finish Faith.
But this year I’ve been trying to swim against that tide, and it is a tide, a natural low tide in my brain until the days start to get longer again. It’s time to put it in park, and do something else…or nothing. To read and think, maybe do another Adam Vance or something that doesn’t require me to go there emotionally. To stop treating every day like a Formula 1 race I have to win.
I was panicked about money, but being back in KU is improving my financial status. I’ve had some editing jobs and hope to do more – that’s the kind of cerebral work I can manage.
That’s it. I’m going to lay low, try and stop stressing. I’m trying to be like the Rudolf Abel character in Bridge of Spies: Every time Tom Hanks asks him, you could be facing the death penalty, aren’t you scared, aren’t you worried, aren’t you concerned, Abel just looks at him and says:
“Would it help?”