Yeah, we had a $50 month on ALTB: The Ebook. A grand total of $14 on ALTB: The Audiobook, but… Amazon has just totally refused to Whispersync it, even though I edited the ebook to match the existing audiobook, word for word. At a certain point, you just say fuck it. It’ll never be Whispersync’d. Fuck Amazon in the fucking fuckhole. Anyway! That does take “planned giving” up to $185 on the ALTB audiobook. That is, the 50% of the audiobook royalties that I’ll be donating, when I’m not dead broke and can afford to do that, too. Right now I’m broke and I need that for rent, so, yeah. When I’m rich, I’ll pay that out to IAVA etc., and I’m keeping the tab running until then. I am an American, so I get fucked in the fuckhole January 1 with a massive new insurance deductible/out of pocket,  too. I really truly am going to get more audio going. I’ve had bronchitis, twice, and am now on an inhaler, for allergies or asthma [MORE]

VARNEY THE VAMPIRE by Brad Vance CHARACTERS VARNEY, male, 20s, attractive. THERESA, female, 20s, attractive. LOCATION THERESA’s living room. TIME Very, very late at night.   VARNEY and THERESA sit on the couch, a fairly awkward distance apart. THERESA Do you think they’re coming back? VARNEY Umm, not if I know Germain. THERESA Yeah, and I know Lucy. They’re not coming back. (Pause) Sorry. VARNEY Why? THERESA Well, she invited you guys over, and then she left with Germain and stranded you here with me. VARNEY I don’t mind. (Pause) And hey, it wasn’t all her idea, right? Germain took off on me, too. Again, not that I mind. Awkward silence. THERESA This is really embarrassing, but… I’m terrible with names and I forgot yours. I’m Theresa. VARNEY shakes her hand. VARNEY Varney. THERESA Arnie? VARNEY Like Arnie, but with a V at the beginning. And an E Y at the end. THERESA That’s a cool name. VARNEY Thanks. THERESA I’ve never heard it before. VARNEY It’s an [MORE]

THE IMAGINARY MARRIAGE by Brad Vance Characters Cee, 30ish, any gender Dawes, 30ish, any gender   LOCATION Two desks in an office. TIME 10:30 am   CEE and DAWES sigh and push away from their computers. DAWES Wanna hit the gym? CEE I can’t. Not till noon. DAWES Why not? We’re done here. The code’s gotta compile, we have the free time. CEE I can go at noon. That’s my time of day. He knows not to be there then. It’s part of our agreement. DAWES Who’s he? CEE The guy I kinda may have been flirting with. DAWES You kinda may have flirted with? Is this the guy you used to crack was your gym husband? CEE Yeah. It’s complicated. Whenever I looked at him, he wouldn’t look at me. But when I wasn’t looking at him, sometimes out of the corner of my eye, I could see him looking at me. But maybe he was just looking at me because I’d been looking at him, and he was making sure I wasn’t some stalking weirdo, or something. DAWES Maybe he’s shy. CEE You should see him. [MORE]

MFA by Brad Vance CHARACTERS (Names are deliberately ambisexual, can be cast male or female) LORE, early 20s DAKOTA, early 20s SKYLER, early 20s TEACHER, early 40s LOCATION A classroom. TIME Late afternoon.   LORE is reading from a manuscript. LORE They said no more, but only regarded the fading light, that made the motes of dust sparkle like stars, if only for a moment. (A pause as everyone digests this.) TEACHER Excellent, Lore. Really excellent. This is a great choice for your submission. Exactly the kind of story that the Golden Apple Prize jury is looking for. (Turns to the other students) All of you, congratulations. You all deserve to be finalists. And I’m so glad you agreed to come together to help each other polish your prose before final submission. Okay. Feedback? Dakota? DAKOTA There are some lovely sentences in there, really lovely prose. It’s an interesting choice, to leave the two of them there, in that moment, with the conflict unresolved. SKYLER [MORE]

A SAFE AND SPECIAL PLACE by Brad Vance CHARACTERS Donald Trump, 70s, billionaire, President Vladimir Putin, 60s, billionaire, President Kim Jong Un, 30s, broke, Chairman LOCATION A Moscow Theater TIME Just after curtain falls TRUMP, PUTIN and KIM are in a box, applauding. TRUMP Great great, really great, terrific. Loved that scene where the heroic Russian mother wrestles that Ukrainian terrorist to the death. KIM Where do you get these actors? My father used to kidnap all the best actors from South Korea. (Stamps foot) China says I can’t do that anymore. PUTIN We have the best acting school in the world. Russian actors are the best. TRUMP Our actors are great, terrific. Really great. PUTIN Your actors are unpatriotic. They are allowed to address your leaders from the stage. Disrespectfully. Without consequences. I would serve them all polonium tea at the cast party. TRUMP (Nods enthusiastically) It’s just terrible, really terrible. So rude. Theater is no place for politics. KIM [MORE]

THE TICKET MASTER by Brad Vance CHARACTERS MASTER, late 20s, handsome STUDENT, late 40s/early 50s, rumpled LOCATION Two good orchestra seats in a Broadway theater. TIME A few minutes before curtain. MASTER and STUDENT are reading their Playbills. MASTER Should be a good show. STUDENT Yeah, I’m amazed I got a ticket. MASTER It’s a pretty hard one to get. STUDENT How’d you get yours? MASTER I got mine months ago. I read the review of the Off Broadway version, and bought tickets for the Broadway version as soon as they went on sale. STUDENT Wow. that’s smart. You couldn’t possibly get a ticket for this now without paying $450. And it’s not even a musical. I should know, I paid it today. MASTER I know, I sold it to you. On StubHub. STUDENT Oh, did you have a date that fell through or… MASTER No. I bought extra. STUDENT Oh. So do you live here in town? MASTER Yeah, I just moved into Manhattan. STUDENT What do you do? MASTER I’m in the futures [MORE]

LOVE IS LOVE by Brad Vance CHARACTERS TOM, early 30s, divorced from ALICE and married to NICK. NICK, mid 20s, TOM’s husband of two years. ALICE, early 30s, TOM’s ex-wife.   LOCATION A cafe.   TOM, NICK and ALICE are sitting at a table, looking at menus. TOM Oh God, chicken parmesan. (turns to NICK) Do you remember that restaurant in Rome? NICK Umm… TOM That tourist? Who was asking for chicken par mee sin, and the waiter was saying, (terrible accent) “No, sir, we have chicken parmi GEE AN O!” NICK and ALICE smile, barely. NICK Yeah, I remember now. Funny stuff. TOM (to Alice) You don’t mind, do you? Me talking about Nick and I, our early days? ALICE No, not at all. It’s fine. TOM Okay. I just ask because you seem upset. Come on, Alice, we’re friends, right? You can tell me. TOM takes NICK’s hand. You can tell us. Nick is your friend, too, right? ALICE Yeah… TOM I know there was some awkwardness at first, of course, [MORE]

Yes, and I know how that sounds. “Taking it up” like a Gentleman of Leisure deciding to “dabble” in art. But really, come on. I’ve been writing realistic dialogue for how long now? How many books? I’ve been taking acting classes, an idea I came up with to improve my narration skills. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that my class wasn’t some Christopher Guest scenario, a cavalcade of amateurs, but that right here in River City (okay, Reno) that actors are working on Nike ad campaigns and MacGyver and Bones and animation and commercials… And that maybe, just maybe, this could be an avenue for me to get into voiceover acting for commercials, and it’s most definitely a place for me to start writing plays. We all have our “I’ve always wanted to” stories. Mine has been writing plays. When I was flush, I’d go to New York twice a year and see plays, plays, plays, every night and matinees. And buy the scripts [MORE]

More than any post ever. This is why I don’t tweet, or Vine. This is why I blog. Because to make a real argument, you need space. Time. Words. A chain of reasoning. A hashtag may express anger, but it doesn’t explain it or, more importantly, justify it. And God damn it felt good. I think we were all in shock for a few days, feeling scared and powerless. And shocked. Did I mention the shock? I know it’s exaggerated because there’s no mass murder going on over it, but in a lot of ways, I can see how it must have felt to live in some of those towns in Bosnia after the breakup of Yugoslavia. One day you and your neighbors live side by side, in peace…and then the next, you suddenly discover either how much they hated you all this time, or at least how little you mattered to them. You’re a dirty Croat and he’s a filthy Serb and you’re “us” and they’re “them” and out come the knives and the bombs and it’s [MORE]

<Update: this picture may be fake. Which is just going to help future attackers say what they say about rape accusations, “you’re making it up.” Thanks for that… > I had to make a few regrettable unfriend decisions on Facebook today. The “Whoo Trump!” people are long gone, but these are people who said, stop posting hate, let’s come together, let’s respect each other’s opinions, and if you can’t do that, unfriend me. So I did. Because this is not Pepsi vs Coke. I’m gay. I’ve got chronic illness and (obviously lol) mental health issues. I’m a loud and proud atheist. I’m everything they want to kill. And if you support those who want to kill me, or even think I should just lie down and respect their opinion on the subject of kicking me to death, I’m done with you, because clearly you don’t have skin, so to speak, in the game. Or, worse, you do and you have your head in the sand. And if [MORE]