“Love is Love,” a Very Short Play, by Brad Vance

LOVE IS LOVE

by

Brad Vance

CHARACTERS

TOM, early 30s, divorced from ALICE and married to NICK.

NICK, mid 20s, TOM’s husband of two years.

ALICE, early 30s, TOM’s ex-wife.

 

LOCATION

A cafe.

 

TOM, NICK and ALICE are sitting at a table, looking at menus.

TOM

Oh God, chicken parmesan.

(turns to NICK)

Do you remember that restaurant in Rome?

NICK

Umm…

TOM

That tourist? Who was asking for chicken par mee sin, and the waiter was saying,

(terrible accent)

“No, sir, we have chicken parmi GEE AN O!”

NICK and ALICE smile, barely.

NICK

Yeah, I remember now. Funny stuff.

TOM

(to Alice)

You don’t mind, do you? Me talking about Nick and I, our early days?

ALICE

No, not at all. It’s fine.

TOM

Okay. I just ask because you seem upset. Come on, Alice, we’re friends, right? You can tell me.

TOM takes NICK’s hand.

You can tell us. Nick is your friend, too, right?

ALICE

Yeah…

TOM

I know there was some awkwardness at first, of course, right? My ex wife and the guy I left her for, that’s the dictionary definition of awkward, right?

TOM holds up a hand.

Oh wait. Wait up. I see what’s going on.

NICK

Tom, it’s…

TOM

(laughs)

I see what you two are up to.

ALICE

Tom, this isn’t how we…

TOM

(Cuts her off)

You’re planning… a surprise birthday party! You guys are the best!

TOM tries to high five both of them. Neither takes him up on it.

Ah ha ha and now Alice is all pissed because I figured it out!

ALICE

Tom. It’s not a surprise. More of an…

(Looks at Nick, who nods.)

An announcement.

NICK

Umm, Tom, you know that Alice and I have become friends over the years. Good friends.

TOM

Yeah, fucking amazing, huh? My new husband and my ex wife, how modern is that, right?

NICK

And we’ve spent a lot of time together. Especially with you traveling so much for business.

TOM

Right, the two of you like a pair of Desperate Housewives, sitting around together drinking wine all day, man, always makes me laugh when I’m on the road, thinking about that.

NICK

Tom. The thing is.

(Takes ALICE’s hand.)

We have spent a lot of time together when you were on the road. And we really got to know each other as human beings. As…

TOM

Wait a minute. Wait one fucking minute.

ALICE

We’re in love, Tom. Nick and I are in love. And we want to get married.

NICK

I’m sorry, Tom.

TOM

What the fuck. What the actual fuck.

ALICE

We didn’t plan on it, we just…

TOM

Oh that’s it. Throw that back in my face. The same fucking thing I said to you when I fell in love with Nick. Him. My husband. Mine. You’ve been waiting all this time, haven’t you? Waiting for the day you could throw it back in my face, somehow?

(Turns to NICK)

How could you? How could you cheat on me? How could you cheat on me with a woman? How could you cheat on me with a woman who is my fucking ex wife!

NICK

Tom. I don’t know what to say. It just happened, and you know, Love is love and…

TOM

No. Oh no no no. You do not get to say that. That is a gay thing. That is what we get to say when they say we can’t fall in love because we’re sinners. You just lost your gay card. Love is Love means gay is good, not, I’m leaving you for your ex wife. I don’t know what fucking catch phrase you wanna come up with for that, but you can’t use that one.

ALICE

Tom, please. Can’t you be happy for us? I was happy for you when you met Nick. Even though, as all my friends said, he stole you from me.

TOM

He didn’t steal me, I was gay! You and I weren’t meant to be. Nick couldn’t steal me because I was never yours.

ALICE

I see. Well, now Nick is bi. So technically I’m not totally stealing him, because you didn’t know he was bi, so that half was never yours.

NICK

Alice…

ALICE

So there.

TOM

That’s not the same at all! Fuck, you always did this.

(Turns to NICK)

You wait. You wait and see. She does this all the time. This goddamn… pretzel logic.

ALICE

You’re never around. You were never around when we were married, you were never around for Nick. You might as well be married to the first class stewardess on that London direct flight. You spend more time with her.

TOM

Michelle. Maybe I should have married her. At least I always know what she’s up to.

ALICE

You know what? You know what? Fuck you and fuck your gayness. I was going to divorce you anyway. I was so sick of your shit. Then you said “Whoo! I’m gay!” And do you know why I was so goddamn understanding and happy? Because I was free! I was off the hook! Nick took you off my hands and I didn’t have to be the bad guy!

Silence, amazement.

TOM

What the fuck.

NICK

So. I guess this is a bad time to ask you to be my best man?

BLACKOUT

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