The Imaginary Marriage, a Very Short Play, by Brad Vance

FIRST DRAFT

THE IMAGINARY MARRIAGE

by Brad Vance

Characters

Cee, 30ish, any gender

Dawes, 30ish, any gender

 

LOCATION

Two desks in an office.

TIME

10:30 am

 

CEE and DAWES sigh and push away from their computers.

DAWES

Wanna hit the gym?

CEE

I can’t. Not till noon.

DAWES

Why not? We’re done here. The code’s gotta compile, we have the free time.

CEE

I can go at noon. That’s my time of day. He knows not to be there then. It’s part of our agreement.

DAWES

Who’s he?

CEE

The guy I kinda may have been flirting with.

DAWES

You kinda may have flirted with? Is this the guy you used to crack was your gym husband?

CEE

Yeah. It’s complicated. Whenever I looked at him, he wouldn’t look at me. But when I wasn’t looking at him, sometimes out of the corner of my eye, I could see him looking at me. But maybe he was just looking at me because I’d been looking at him, and he was making sure I wasn’t some stalking weirdo, or something.

DAWES

Maybe he’s shy.

CEE

You should see him. He’s a god. Gorgeous face, perfect body, wears a tank top – loose, not toolbox tight – and he has all these tats. Like, nice ones, artistic, not Born 2 Lose or anything. Way too hot for me, he could have anyone.

DAWES

But you kept cruising him.

CEE

Hope springs eternal. Hope really fucks you up that way. At any rate, after about a year of this…

DAWES

Wait. A year? The two of you have been casting longing glances at each other for a year?

CEE

Like I said. I cast longing glances. I could never be sure he was. There was this one day, we made eye contact, but, I’d been up all night finishing the build on that fucking accounting module, and I was seeing double. Literally. So he might have smiled at me, I couldn’t tell, my vision was so blurry, and since I couldn’t tell, I didn’t dare smile at him.

(Pause)

On the bright side, after that’s when I switched everything on my computer to night mode to save eye strain. Anyway. After a year of this, we finally ran into each other in the hallway. Well, which is to say, we walked past each other in the hallway, which was like the first and only time we’d ever been able to just stop and have a conversation. And I finally did it. I finally nodded and said ‘Hey.’

DAWES

And?

CEE

And he didn’t look at me. Just kept walking. So either I was wrong all this time, that he’d ever been looking at me, it was all a delusion. Or maybe he did smile at me on that day I was half blind, and I didn’t smile back, and he thought, well fuck you then.

DAWES

And so this was your well fuck you, then moment.

CEE

Exactly. Now it’s awkward. I stared and stared at him, and now I have to make sure I don’t even look at him because it’s so upsetting, thinking of what might have been. If, that is, it might ever have been anything. We used to always be there at the same time. After that day in the hall, we sort of silently and psychically agreed not to be there at the same time.

DAWES

And this timing, it’s part of the imaginary divorce settlement, re the case of your imaginary marriage to your gym husband? Does he know that?

CEE

Clearly he does, since he’s not there anymore when he knows I will be.

DAWES

I wonder why.

CEE

It’s all right. 99% of all imaginary marriages end in divorce.

DAWES

And how do the other 1% end?

CEE

Usually in a prison sentence.

DAWES

(Amazed)

You should have just stopped him that day in the hall. Hell, a year before that you should have just walked up to him and said, ‘Hey, I’ve been checking you out and I honestly don’t know if you’ve been checking me out or not, but you’re really attractive and I just wanted to say hi.’

CEE

(Long look)

Are you fucking crazy?

BLACKOUT

 

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