The Job Interview, a Very Short Play, by Brad Vance

THE JOB INTERVIEW (slightly modified from the a.m. post)

By Brad Vance

CHARACTERS

STACEY, 30ish, HR director at a software company

SEAN, 30ish, software genius

LOCATION

STACEY’s office

TIME

Business hours

STACEY is at her desk. She rises to shake SEAN’s hand when he comes in.

STACEY

Hi, Sean, I’m Stacey, thanks so much for coming in. Neil speaks very highly of you.

SEAN

Hi, Stacey, nice to meet you.

(SEAN sits down across from her)

I told Neil I’d come in and talk to you, but honestly, as I said on the phone, I’m pretty sure this isn’t the job for me.

STACEY

I understand that, but you have a skill set which, my turn to be honest, we could really use around here right now.

SEAN

Yeah, the thing is, the whole software architecture thing, I’m trying to move away from, you know, the kind of software you make. I’m really moving in more creative directions.

STACEY

Sure, sure, but you should know that there are a lot of really exciting things we’re doing with our accounting packages. We’re custom tailoring them to our clients’ needs and that requires a  creative approach that…

SEAN

Let me just stop you there. I’m sorry, but the words “accounting” and “exciting” do not belong in the same sentence. You could not pay me enough to put them in the same sentence.

STACEY

We’re prepared to offer you $250,000 a year. With a $100,00 signing bonus. Is that exciting?

SEAN

Wow. That is like way above market.

STACEY

Like I said. We really want you.

SEAN

It’s a great offer, but, I’m just more into my personal satisfaction now than into money. I’m spending a lot more time on my hobbies, like editing gay porn.

STACEY

Editing… gay porn? You mean, your own? That you’re in?

SEAN

No, no. Not yet anyway. But stuff I download. I edit it to take out the boring parts.

STACEY

Boring parts?

SEAN

Yeah, you know, the real turnoffs, like where they’re licking butthole, or kissing for a really long time.

STACEY

I see.

SEAN

Or at the beginning, when they’re on the bed talking to the director forever and pretending they’ve never done porn before? That, I mean, come on, what’s that all about?

STACEY

Maybe some people are more attracted to the guys when they, you know, know something about them.

SEAN

Come on, it’s gay porn. We’re men. We don’t wanna know all that.

STACEY

I hear that a lot of women watch gay porn these days.

SEAN

Huh. Yeah. I guess that’s who watches that part. But the butthole licking, no, come on. Nobody wants to see that.

STACEY

Well, we’re certainly open minded around here. I wouldn’t see that hobby as a problem…

SEAN

(Watching an invisible figure pass the office door.)

Oh hey, is that your assistant?

STACEY

Yes, that’s Robert, he’s…

SEAN

He’s smokin’ hot. Is he single?

STACEY

I really don’t…

SEAN

Yeah, I know. That’s inappropriate. I have a real problem with that. With hot guys. I would be pretty much sexually harassing every hot guy who works here.

STACEY

Umm. In that case, we do have a small remote site where you could work and…

SEAN

Oh, no small remote sites. I can’t sit somewhere without a lot of sexy dudes to stare at. I’d go postal. Hey, speaking of postal, this is an open carry state, right? You guys probably have, like, Take Your Gun to Work day or something like that?

STACEY

We don’t allow firearms on the premises.

SEAN

Hmm, that’s a problem.

STACEY

You could work from home…

SEAN

Nah, no studs there. I mean, unless I can get an assistant to, you know, work from home with me. I really need the occasional dick during the day, you know, to stay focused. Kind of like my version of Red Bull, only I just need the bull part.

STACEY

Ummm… That would not be possible. I’m pretty sure that would be illegal.

SEAN

(Getting up)

Oh, that’s too bad. Well, I think that wraps it up, doesn’t it?

STACEY

(Getting up)

Wait, wait. Please. I will do… I will open a corporate account for you on Rentmen.com if I have to, to get you to take this job. I will buy you a gun. I will specifically hire people whose job description includes being sexually harassed. Please. We’re dying here. You’re the best and we need you.

SEAN

You’re serious.

STACEY

Are you? Or are you just saying all this shit to get me to stop asking you to take the job, to just end the interview? Because I will give you all of it.

SEAN

Well, if you’re really agreeing to it…

STACEY

Anything. You. Want. Really.

SEAN

(Long pause)

So… what kind of company car are we talking about here?

BLACKOUT

 

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