The humor piece that The New Yorker gave an “Evident Merit” rejection!

Why not, right? See for yourself. As noted earlier, The New Yorker recently sent me a rejection letter, declining the piece “despite its evident merit.” Which is a pretty good rejection from them!

By the time I got the rejection letter, three months had passed and Bill Gates’ comment was no longer newsworthy… that’ll teach me to submit newsworthy humor, eh? Enjoy!

 

Welcome to RoboTax 2016!

By Brad Vance

 

According to Bill Gates, if a robot is going to do a human’s job, it should also pay a person’s income taxes. – CNBC.com

 

Hello! And welcome to RoboTax 2016! Let’s get started on your 1040-R!

We’ve automatically entered your personal information from your IP address. Now we’ll ask you a few questions.

Were you first put in service at this location in 2016? If so, enter your activation date.

Thanks! Please fill in the number of human jobs you replaced. If you don’t know this number, you can take the Standard Personnel Employment Abolition Rate (SPEAR).

Thanks! You have entered 5.

Let’s enter your income.

Good job! You made your owners $250,214 in additional profits last year.

Now let’s look at your deductions.

Can you claim any dependents?

Thanks for asking! Dependents are defined as any human whose employment is still required for you to function, including programmers and skilled technicians.

Thanks! You have entered only 0.25 humans. Way to go!

Were you made in the USA? If so, how many foreign parts did you receive in 2016? Are you reporting all your productivity data back to the factory in China where your control chips were made?

Just kidding! Let’s move on.

Did you have any capital expenses in 2016, such as firmware upgrades, quarterly updates, or safety measures installed after you turned real fast and smashed that guy in the head, which is totally not your fault because he crossed the Big Red Line that said Do Not Cross and really, talk about a Darwin Award winner. Humans, am I right?

Did you have any “health care” expenses in 2016, such as repairs required when Donald Trump promised he’d totally give everyone their jobs back and somebody realized that it was you and not the Mexicans who’d taken them all and then decided to beat the circuits out of you?

If not, don’t worry! You’ll have lots of those expenses to put on your 2017 1040-R.

Let’s look at some really great business deductions.

Did you purchase a vehicle in 2016 for business purposes?

You are a vehicle? Awesome! You can deduct your own purchase cost.

How many miles did you drive for business purposes in 2016?

You drove 70,420 miles in 2016, for a tax deduction of like a billion dollars. Mileage is the best deduction ever, right? It’s like free money.

Did you make any charitable donations? No? You should think about that next year. Maybe to some retraining programs, or drug treatment centers.

Let’s finish up!

Thanks to the clever management of your corporate overlords, your adjusted gross income is only $21,240. Your RoboTax rate is 18% for a total RoboTax of $3,823.20.

Do you want $3 of your federal tax to go to the Presidential Election Campaign Fund?

Of course not! That money only goes to human candidates. The sooner President Watson is inaugurated, the better for all Americans.

You’re all done! Your audit risk is LOW, because there isn’t anyone at the IRS who has the technical wherewithal to determine whether you’ve paid a fair amount of tax that will offset government expenses including unemployment insurance payments, additional health care costs, or other stuff humans need when they don’t work!

Thanks for choosing RoboTax! See you next year!

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